This week I got muscle testing done along with my two eldest children.  There wasn’t anything to abnormal with my daughter except the presence of a bacteria in which she is now taking an herb to hopefully correct that.  My son was a whole different story.  He has sensitivities to milk, cheeses, soy, and corn.  I suspected the dairy but not the other two.  Upon finding this out, I was ok with it.  For the past month, I have already been moving towards eating and preparing foods that decreased our need for milk, cheese, meat.  I have been blown away by a particular vegan website called http://ohsheglows.com/    I have made about 15 of her recipes and I love them.  I’ve even stocked my cupboards with the items I needed to make some of the recipes.  I have been slowly working on changing our food habits.  I was prepared to find out that I may have sensitivities to wheat and diary myself.

Now onto the results of my muscle testing—we discovered that I have sensitivities to heavy metals, particularly titanium, manganese, and lead.  We discuss briefly that fact that I drink tap water and also that I just had two crowns put in; however, the thing that shocked me in our discussion was my chiropractor’s statement that we really could not do anything to rid myself of heavy metals until I was done breastfeeding.  Of course, I don’t want to detox and pass any of these things on to my babies; however, the flip side of that means I have to be content with the way my body feels right now until I’m done nursing.  So here is the kicker…once again, I have to put my children first before I can even take care of myself.  I have to deal with constant muscle tension, the fact that I can barely move my neck, and terribly stiff shoulders until I’m done nursing.  Part of me wants to say, “Ok, I’ll be done nursing next week.”  However, I would never put myself first.  I would put the health of my twins first.  I made the choice with my son to stop breastfeeding at six months with him because I had found out I was pregnant and my body felt like it was being put through the ringer every day trying to keep up calories for myself, my unborn baby (which were actually 2 unborn babies which I didn’t know), and my nursing son.  Plus, I was not gaining weight.  Stopping breastfeeding early is not something I want to do at all with my girls.

So I’m at a standstill.  The Lord has once again placed a roadblock in my life that says, “Take care of your children first, your time with come.”  That is the message I feel like I get over and over and over.  My needs must wait.  My kid’s needs must come first.  I get it Lord—but in the same extent it is exhausting.  It is a selfless act of service in which there is little praise from those you give yourself to daily.  Other people do praise me for my efforts but my kids are too young to give me any sort of praise for the things I do for them daily.  I am not surprised that the Lord would place this in my life as a way of reminding me once again that my family needs to come first in my life.  See, my default in life is to put everything above my family.  Just recently, I made the decision to live my life with God as the head, then my husband, then my family, then my ministry.  Prior, my ministry was placed as number one.  So this is just another step in which the Lord is asking me to trust him and place my family first.

In all of this, I also know that I must give myself time and rest.  Again, here comes the struggle I know all too well.  When I have a moment without kids, what do I chose?  To rest/read/take care of myself or to work…well, considering my default—I normally chose work every time.  So even when the Lord provides me with moments of rest I take them as moments to work and get caught up on all the things I have left undone.  Undone tasks to a type A perfectionist  is like seeing a chocolate cookie on the table and not being able to eat it—but all you really want to do is eat it.

In this realm of thinking that no one really understands me—I realized it really boils down to being set apart.  As a follower of Jesus, we are called to lead lives in which we are set apart.  In this stance of being set apart, I feel as though I’m misunderstood.  Jesus was greatly misunderstood by everyone; however, he still pressed on towards the call in which his Father had placed on his life.  So these aspects of which I feel misunderstood are merely aspects of following the Lord’s unique calling on my life.  My friend Melissa remind me, that if we aren’t being misunderstood for the Lord, then we aren’t really doing the Lord’s work—cause when you do the Lord’s work, the world doesn’t understand.

Although, I feel as though I’m the odd man out at times, I have never been more happy in all my life.  I am truly leading the life I’ve always wanted!!!  And that feels amazing and freeing.  I always wanted to be a stay at home mom—check.  I always wanted to do things as environmentally safe as possible—check.  I always wanted to make nutritious, healthy, vegan meals—check.  I always wanted to get muscle testing done—check, getting this done on Monday.  I always wanted to work from home—check (I love working for Holy Yoga & USANA).  I always wanted to wake up without an alarm clock—check (well, half way check, my kids are my alarm clock.)  I always wanted to be a mini-van driving soccer mom—well not really, I never wanted a mini-van!  I always wanted to be in charge of my days and do as I wanted—check!  And lastly I always wanted to be living in obedience to the Lord’s calling on my life—check.

So being misunderstood is really living a life that is set apart for what the world deems as normal.

I’m throwing a little pitty party or maybe it is another breakthrough.  I don’t think very many people get me.  My husband does, the core team of Holy Yoga does, a few friends who live near me do, but other than that most don’t understand me.  I’m the strange Jesus follower yoga chic, who is into vitamins, who makes her own cleaning and personal care products, who gives birth to her children at home with no drugs, who is simple, who hasn’t listened to secular radio in about 5 years, who seldom watches the news, who lets my kids be kids, who spends lots of time with my husband and also away from my husband,  whose best friend is my husband and has been for the last 10 years, who doesn’t believe in debt, who wants to live obedience to Jesus in all I do, who makes homemade meals, who wishes we didn’t own a tv, and who sometimes feels like I’m the odd duck.

This all goes back to the fact that very few people ask me about me…why is that?  Very few people ask about my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, etc.  Instead most conversations revolve around my kids, the weather, the town I live in, and my husband.  Most people have no idea my own ambitions, my own goals, my own passions.

My heart yearns for people, especially my family to really know me and be known by me.  Not what I do but what I think, what I believe, and what I value in life.

But to step out and start going deeper with people is so scary because they can reject you in a heartbeat and when that happens you shrink back, close yourself off, you start to hide.  That is where I’m at right now?  I’ve been real and had backlash, so I’ve closed myself off…but now I want to break out again and the fear creeps back in.

Yesterday, I did have a very small but yet big breakthrough.  I thought someone’s shirt looked nice and instead of just thinking it in my head, I actually told the person I liked their shirt.  I gave my opinion a voice.  Such a simple thing to do, but yet so very hard for me to do.

Where all of this will lead me, I don’t know but I do know that I need to start making baby steps at being the real me to ALL people and not shrink back anymore.

Expectations—oh, how you cause me so many problems.  My mind is full of expectations that don’t get met.  Expectations are a waste of time and energy but oh, how they consume me.

I expect my children to behave a certain way.

I expect to have time on my yoga mat at least for 30 minutes daily without kids interrupting me.

I expect to be able to have a prayer and quiet time with the Lord.

I expect my family to clean up for themselves—yes, good expectation but it isn’t going to happen when you live with a one and a half year old.

I expect my body to look/feel just as it did prior to having babies.  No this one is tough.  I happen to be the same weight I was prior to my first baby.  I’ve never gone up a dress size—so with is my problem, right?  Well, I remember having the flat killer stomach but now I have excess skin from being over stretched.  I also have a cystocele which occurred after the birth of my first child.  For some reason, I expected that after birth everything would just go back to normal.  And, at 26 years old when I first started having kids, who wouldn’t have thought this.  I know people say your body isn’t the same after birth but I really didn’t understand that.

So this has left me to seek out a new normal.  In reading “Saving the Whole Women” she discusses what is considered “normal” when it comes to a women’s pelvis after birth.  I didn’t know this but there are no studies to see what “normal” is after birth.  We have no research to help women access if what they are experiencing is “normal” after labor/delivery.  So my minor cystocele could very well be “normal” after having 4 natural vaginal births.  But instead of it being see as normal by medical professions and women—instead it is seen as something that needs to be surgically fixed, tucked, or removed.  We have an expectation of how things should look/feel.  I don’t know about you but I’ve never seen the pelvic floor of a woman after she has given birth but my own—not something we readily show people or even talk about.  Instead, we walk around hoping that no one, even our spouses will find out about our “abnormality.”

So what if my cystocele is normal after having four children—can I live with that?  Or do I see it as a flaw that needs to be fixed?  Now this is the heart of the matter.  I had 4 natural births—so the aftermath of my births are not the results of any type of medical intervention.  The aftermath is pure biological and natural.  God designed birth, He designed the process, and He knew what he was doing— so why do I want to change the after affects of a natural process that He put into motion?  Expectations!  Maybe this new “normal” is God’s way of reminding us of our births—not the trauma (as many people view birth) but as the glorious celebration of life.  Maybe it is His way of reminding us of himself—that he is the give of life, the great designer of ALL things, and the one who desired to have children brought into this world.

Regardless if my cystocele is or isn’t gone within the next few months or even years, it no longer matters because I’ve decided cystoceles are “normal.”  Even though modern medicine would say it is a flaw.

Today was my hands on appointment with Tara, the person trained in Maya Abdominal Massage.  As she hypothesized, my uterus is resting on my bladder.  In fact, my uterus is on my pubic bone—not 1 ½ inches above my pubic bone which is anatomically correct.  It is also titled forward instead of being in the center of my body.  And lastly, it is off to the left side of my body.  This brought so many things into light—this is why I have to go to the bathroom so much and this is why my babies were on the left side of my body.

As she started to massage she did sweeping motions to lift the uterus. Then she went to my diaphragm—wow, was there tension.  I couldn’t believe it.  Tara said that this area is where we hold emotions.  As she did sweeping motions over this area on things came to mind.  Over the last several months, I have been emotionally affected by a particular person.  Whenever, someone mentions this person to me a host of emotions well up in me.  This is not good; but prior to this moment I have not know how to stop it.   As she was massaging this area I clearly heard God say, “You can stop being emotionally attached to this person.”  My response was—“ok.”  I then had peace in this situation.

As she finished the massage on my abdominal area my back started to feel very tight—it was as though all the releases of tension in the front of my body were being redirected to my back.

I then explained the tightness in my back, so she had me turn over.  She discovered that my QL (quadratus lomborum) on my right side was extremely tight, which would make sense as the ligaments that support the uterus are attached to this muscle.  This muscle is over worked and tight  because it is being stretched and pulled to try to bring symmetry back into my body.

Prior to my leaving my appointment, she taught me how to do the self-care massage techniques which will take me about 3-5 minutes daily to accomplish.  She mentioned that sometimes people have emotional releases while doing the self massage.  I am so glad that I gave Maya Abdominal Massage a chance.  Now I will wait and see how the self massage goes and if/when any emotionally releases happen.

My work with a Maya Abdominal Massage Therapist started with filling out a female intake form that asked me about my diet, my pregnancies, my menstrual cycles, my family’s history of disease, my activity level, etc.  I then went through an hour long call with the massage therapist, Tara in which she dug a little deeper.

Through our conversation she hypothesized that my uterus was resting on my bladder, literally pushing my bladder down.  Your uterus is suppose to be 1 ½ inches above your pubic bone.  If this was the case it would explain many things I’ve experienced through my life such as a cystocele, sciatica, problems with my feet, heavy menstrual cycles, menstrual cramping, bruising on my legs, and yeast infections.  I’m discovering that the uterus is essential to a women’s total body health—which makes complete sense because the uterus makes us uniquely female.

The uterus is supposed to lie at the very center of our bodies—our inmost being.

The misalignment of the uterus can contribute too many things other than the things I’ve listed above.  Here are a few things taken from Tara’s website.

• PMS/Depression prior to menstruation
• Painful intercourse
•  Painful periods
• Late, early or irregular periods
• Headache, migraine or dizziness with period
• Blood clots and excessive bleeding
• Difficult menopause
• Chronic miscarriage
• Premature deliveries
• Difficult pregnancy
• Fertility issues
• Endometriosis
• Polyps/Fibroids
• Vaginal Yeast conditions
• Uterine infections
• Chronic indigestion or heartburn
• Gastritis, Colitis, Crohn’s
•  Irritable Bowel Syndrome
•  Multiple food allergies
• Low back ache
• Frequent or painful urination
• Bladder infection
• Incontinence
• Chronic skin conditions
• Varicose veins of legs and hemorrhoids
• Tired weak legs
• Constipation or diarrhea
• Diverticulitis
• Sore heels when walking
• Numb legs and feet (especially while standing still for a while)

A uterus that is tilted one way or another can also affect the thinning of the uterine wall which is menstruation.  A uterus that is not positioned correctly could potential shed the lining unevenly.  I also learned that the uterus is like a sponge and if it is tilted back toward the colon it can actually absorb fecal matter.  An indication of this would be brownish flow during menstruation—who knew!

The uterus also secretes estrogen, androgen, and progesterone—these hormones support sexuality, pregnancy, birth, and the ability to nurture others. The aspect of nurturing others really hit a cord with me.  Could this be why I have such a difficult time freely expressing genuine love to others?

Who knew the uterus was such an amazing and influential organ to the female body.  From this point on I will cherish this organ (my inmost being) so much more.

My journey has not only been one of internal pondering but one of education research as well.  One of the resources I’m pouring into right now is material by Christine Kent.   I first learned about her amazing work by listening to a podcast by Liz Koch.  The podcast was called “The Dynamic Female Pelvis”.   I would highly encourage you to listen…especially if you suffer from a prolapsed uterus.  I am a huge fan of Liz Koch and her work on the psoas.  So I’ve been working in tandem with Liz’s and Christine’s research and putting their knowledge into practice in my life.  (I’m also making sure I’m grounded in the Word of God because I don’t exactly agree with all their ideals.)The work is slow going but I am seeing results.

Here is an excerpt from one of Christine’s newsletters. “Part of the graceful curvature that makes us women is the pronounced curvature of our lumbar or lower back spine. It is this curvature that allows our organs to stay to the front. But with the comforts of our “civilized” society including chairs, car seats and sofas, by age thirty we tend to lose that curvature, and the organs start to pull back and the path is open for them to move down.

The solution fortunately is relatively simple. By assuming our natural female posture, (or the Whole Woman posture as we call it), you will almost certainly experience relief very quickly. The posture is easy to learn and although it takes a little getting used to, once you’ve mastered it, it will make any other posture feel unnatural.”

I would highly recommend you read Christine’s book “Saving the Whole Women”.   Great book for anyone who has pelvic floor issues or is considering a hysterectomy.

More on how these resources have been impacting my life later.

It seems that I’ve been in a long grieving process. Could this be the cause of my internal tightness?  (tight psoas, inner thighs, hips, neck, shoulders)  Have I been holding onto the loss of certain things with my body? I would say—YES.

This past year has been a year of loss.  Or what my husband refers to as a year of sacrifice.  A loss of the life I thought I would have but was altered by the birth of my twins.  The loss of many personal freedoms.  The loss of teaching different Holy Yoga classes so that I can be home with my children instead.  The loss of time with my husband.  The loss of an intimate authentic church family.  This was very painful to overcome—it took me months to get over the fact that people who I thought cared, really didn’t.  And lastly, the loss of several friendships.  I’ve been grieving over a particular loss of a friendship for several months now.  Today a close friend pointed out to me that this friendship I’m grieving over was more of a romantic love friendship to me—meaning I saw in this friendship more than what was really there.  And, that is true.  I so longed for an authentic Jesus follower friend—someone who understood Jesus and the Bible as I understand them.  I longed for someone to totally get Holy Yoga and I understand it.  My longing was for something that was only partially there.  So today I fully surrender this friendship—trusting that someday this authentic friendship will return.  I will emotionally walk away and no longer be hindered by the separation of this friendship and feel as though somehow I failed.  And just as I surrender this friendship, the Lord is rising up two new friendships with people who are living fully for the Lord.  Isn’t that just like Jesus!

Progress is being made on this journey…